There are two types of men in this world according to scientists. Genetic Jackhammers with giant grapefruits, and stooges born to serve the boss. A new paper published by the University of McMahonamania concludes that WWE honcho Vince McMahon, has more testicular fortidue than 99.999% of all males.
Here are ten facts from their new report that prove it!
Five grown men and one midget have kissed his ass
It takes a a particularly large set of grapefruits for a virile heterosexual male, to allow other men near their ass on live television. What’s more is that Vince opened the “kiss my ass club” simply for the entertainment of the public. Selfless philanthropy is a common trait among the big balled.
He Is A Legitimate Billionaire
Bombastic bulgers are renowned for speaking the truth. When Mr. McMahon tells the world he’s a billionaire, he means it! Not only did Forbes rank Vinnie-Mac in their 2014 billionaire’s list, but they interviewed him in his office, under a real life dinosaur skull. Dinosaurs had ginormous cojones!
Vince Is So Competitive he gets mad at his own sneezing
It’s true! According to Paul Heyman, whole meetings would be rendered useless if McMahon couldn’t get one over on his own bodily functions. Once he lets out the booger mist, the best you can hope for is an angry grumble under his breath. “There is no sneezing in my world.”
He began his adult life as a travelling salesman
Though Vince was born with above-average nut size, he really nurtured his sack as a travelling salesman. Items among his top sellers were the Granddaddy Of Them All grandfather clock, and the Vomit Bucket Deluxe … “When your gonnnna puuuke! make it a deluxe experience.”
He Beat the Federal Government with a broken freakin neck!
Kurt Angle may have won the Olympics with a neck injury, but Vince McMahon beat the Federal Government. Indeed, while he was facing steroid distribution charges in 1994, he attended court in a neck brace. We’d like to believe that this was because he let the Hart Foundation hit him with the Heart Attack in a bar, but our sources will neither confirm or deny.
Vince Carries Around Briefcases Full Of Money
Long before the Money In The Bank was a thing, Vince was taking over the regional territory system of pro wrestling. Veterans have recounted how he would strut in to local TV stations with briefcases full of cash, instructing them to pull the local promotion’s TV show and air his own. Isn’t capitalism cool!
He Challenges The Competition
When Eric Bischoff famously challenged Vince McMahon to a real fight on PPV, he didn’t not turn up because he was a wus – Bischoff simply wasn’t anywhere near the size of Vince’s gonads to make it worth his while. On the other hand he went for UFC President Dana White (a trained boxer) head on. “Vince wanted to fight me. Swear to God,” says White. “He called me up and said, `Let’s do it. We can either do it in the UFC or let’s do it at WrestleMania.’ And I said, `You are crazy.”
He’s Bigger Than His Wrestlers
At 6ft 2, and with pythons that rival Hulk Hogan, McMahon isn’t your typical corporate shlub – he still hits the gym in his late 60s! (Take note Chris Hero). He also isn’t afraid to get in the ring and take bumps … bumps through tables, and off cages through tables!
Vince Takes It On The Chin
Whether it’s being knocked out of his chair and violently choked by Nailz (a psycho prison character, who was a real psycho), or thumped straight in the eye by Bret Hart, Vince McMahon has been attacked many times in real life. Nailz now owns a trailer company, and Bret Hart eventually swallowed his pride and came back to the WWE. Who has the biggest balls?
He Once Proposed An Incest Storyline … Involving Himself
Vince McMahon’s bollocks are so overflowing with mini genetic jackhammers, that some may even escape and impregnate his own daughter. One storyline that he proposed, was for Stephanie McMahon to become pregnant, with the big reveal being that he was the father! Hey, nobody said people with giant grapefruits are mentally stable.